Charcoal Toothpaste
“Navigating who we are at the core”
Today, right now, i am i feel the most insecure i’ve ever been in my life
there’s beauty in that revelation
in the midst of the confusion that comes with feeling uncertain
there’s a profound clarity in what it means to embrace my awareness of that
Or, also known as what it means to enter the void
the void is a forcefield of potential siphoned through the vortex of purpose
The vortex of purpose comes in all shades, personality a plenty
and is sometimes the shady stage mom who has all the lines
memorized but does not deliver them with any soul
Like
How you do,
SO in her admiration and envy pushes you harder so that the structure
of her rearing and your natural ability
to Be
will merge as the brainchild of your thriving creativity
He is also your inner bully
watching you
trying to catch you slippin
tryna get in your ear, in your my head
tryna say you trippin
And they both love you dearly
These are the entities i've been battling within
my awareness shifts to the wind whistling
the creaks and squeaks of metal gazebos in backyard porches
birds whose calls i cannot recognize
calls i miss
and musings on my emotions stored in notes on apps on phone
i find im constantly writing love letters to myself and anyone
who will listen-- no, but everyone who will hear
it’s beautiful how the different avenues we will go thru in our lives
will peel back the many answers to the one question we have time
and time again
“Is it?”
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Notes on emotions img
This is the way to go...is it?
This is what i came for...is it?
This is me...is it?
This is love...is it?
it’s and -isms chase me around the socio-political roundtable
and beg me to have a seat already
this dance is my latest thrill, the world my dancehall
there’s this sensual ugliness in being grown and expressing self-doubt
im told this fear makes me delectable and i’ll be swallowed whole
before i’m swallowed whole
and this is no way to be...is it?
But today is a day where i high five my anxieties
and buy them two rounds at happy hour
on
us, me, we
in the cracked mirror i see multiplicities
Outside the storm there’s destruction and debris
in the eye i bear witness to the whirlwind of [its] collaboration
my insecurity is mature now
the gap between knowing i am and knowing it is, no longer
has me twerking, shaking, jerky mindlessly without
giving up my power to pulleys + strings attached to limbs
my doubt is an aged bourbon
a bay leaf simmered slowly in stews
he is my lady
and he looks pretty, even as he knows it and asks me for validation
[still]
A time ago i wanted to feel myself as an artist in practice
i wanted discipline, respect, dignity
i wanted regimen a studio
to visit myself
A hawk’s perspective
the early bird
the vulnerable and daring inch worm
I wanted Me
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and so i Queen Latifah set it off
waking up, water, stretching, dancing, dancing
This would be me, who i am, eternally
a colors adorned to make a mood ring out of my circling feet
the red rah rahs of my as i kicked up feet in heat
this would be me, eternally.
i was a drum, i was a mask
i was culture, future past
so much joy in being first to be last last last
i made of myself a cast -- Nkisi to be exact :
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http://zebola.herokuapp.com/
still, relio zealous, powerfull , if triggered to blast
so much joy in being first to be last
Last to be born
first to wake
last to know just what it takes
first to witness these mistakes
re-blogged, texted, video taped
last to gain the weight so i can shake shake shake
Bina na ngai across the manmade lake
the care of it all insinuates
that there will be pain, there will be sorrow, there will be
sacrifice, there will be loss, there will be warmth,
there will be highs, there will be quiet cultivation
The core of it all states there will be nonsense
there it will be
there will be you
there will be me
And that’s all one needs...is it?
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“Innate Black and African Sensibilities”
*images of zebola rehearsals w/ captions
*cited text from Duke University Zebola study
*QR codes to videos of zebola + insta pics/gifs from zebola practice
Black does not mean perfect
And
Africa does not mean first
i wanted to be open out pouring, chaos
packaged, articulate, cunning
a showman, producer, director
i wanted to be it all for you
body, fire in movement
flesh, sweating with purpose
so, you could never dispose me
forward, so you could never catch me
feel me, see me, weak in the knees
begging for love and acceptance “no one likes a “pick me bitch” ”
i wanted to be dirt because it’s easy
see me how you seen me
i wanted to Harlem shake poorly while no one watched
i wanted to be missed, revealed, copied, fetishized
and titled B . l . a . c . k
twisted my tongue into psalms
serenading blades of grass telepathically
the wind smelled like Afrika, i had never been
Toi taught me to burn bay leaves [instead of exploiting sage]
mama na ngai seeped her in stews, the leaves
and the soups became full bodied
like me
i let myself go and became full bodied
the stress had got me bodied
but no one could tell the difference
in my ass
i had gained
but not in my ass
so it was like i hadn’t gained at all
there are so many people that i want to agree with
for a long time i wanted to be liked because i thot
my career life depended on it
i danced and took my top off and my tits swang
online and off and lust filled my bank account temporarily
then i was empty so i put on a different thong or
top and i posed like instant oats, i satisfied bellies again
then i was empty
you can relate
the wind seems to blow in one direction
i watch the grass
it blows from all
our impact is the same
it is black
like a shadow, details erased but it is there
in the dirt, the dirt feels my Shade
we are in love and we are at war
i dance and brush her off my
shoulders
Clean, i wanted the mud to cleanse me
i brought home her medicine
the earth as Caribbean
and i never touched it again
the journey through the sky across borders
was enough to remind that the problem
within was mine
retold, reformed
thru lifetimes
i wanted to be hated, disgusted, alone
so i could have an excuse to leave
so i could have a reason to come back
to be bettered, to be blackened, seasoned
from experience
and we would recognize each other
on a #transformationtuesday
a glowup
redemption
and in our own words we’d rejoice
celebrate
be validated
and verified on Instagram
we would know each other for real now
there would be honor
i would go live and watch you go live -- your lives
but it be your very own
it me
it was me and i thot when i couldn’t think
quiet whispers
go off
be free