Charcoal Toothpaste

“Navigating who we are at the core”

  Today, right now, i am i feel the most insecure i’ve ever been in my life
  
  there’s beauty in that revelation
  
  in the midst of the confusion that comes with feeling uncertain
  
  there’s a profound clarity in what it means to embrace my awareness of that
  
  Or, also known as what it means to enter the void
  
  the void is a forcefield of potential siphoned through the vortex of purpose
  
  The vortex of purpose comes in all shades, personality a plenty
  and is sometimes the shady stage mom who has all the lines
  memorized but does not deliver them with any soul
  Like
  How you do,
  SO in her admiration and envy pushes you harder so that the structure
  of her rearing and your natural ability
  to Be
  will merge as the brainchild of your thriving creativity
  
  He is also your inner bully
  watching you
  trying to catch you slippin
  tryna get in your ear, in your my head
  tryna say you trippin
  
  And they both love you dearly
  
  These are the entities i've been battling within
  my awareness shifts to the wind whistling
  the creaks and squeaks of metal gazebos in backyard porches
  birds whose calls i cannot recognize
  calls i miss
  and musings on my emotions stored in notes on apps on phone
  i find im constantly writing love letters to myself and anyone
  who will listen-- no, but everyone who will hear
  
  it’s beautiful how the different avenues we will go thru in our lives
  will peel back the many answers to the one question we have time
  and time again
  “Is it?”

Notes on emotions img

This is the way to go...is it?
  This is what i came for...is it?
  This is me...is it?
  This is love...is it?
  it’s and -isms chase me around the socio-political roundtable
  and beg me to have a seat already
  
  this dance is my latest thrill, the world my dancehall
   
  there’s this sensual ugliness in being grown and expressing self-doubt
  im told this fear makes me delectable and i’ll be swallowed whole
  before i’m swallowed whole
  and this is no way to be...is it?
   
  But today is a day where i high five my anxieties
  and buy them two rounds at happy hour
  on
  us, me, we
   
  in the cracked mirror i see multiplicities
  Outside the storm there’s destruction and debris
  in the eye i bear witness to the whirlwind of [its] collaboration
   
  my insecurity is mature now
  the gap between knowing i am and knowing it is, no longer
  has me twerking, shaking, jerky mindlessly without
  giving up my power to pulleys + strings attached to limbs
   
  my doubt is an aged bourbon
  a bay leaf simmered slowly in stews
  he is my lady
  and he looks pretty, even as he knows it and asks me for validation
  [still]
   
  A time ago i wanted to feel myself as an artist in practice
  i wanted discipline, respect, dignity
  i wanted regimen	a studio
  to visit myself
  A hawk’s perspective
  the early bird
  the vulnerable and daring inch worm
   
  I wanted Me

and so i Queen Latifah set it off
  waking up, water, stretching, dancing, dancing
  This would be me, who i am, eternally
  a colors adorned to make a mood ring out of my circling feet
  the red rah rahs of my as i kicked up feet in heat
  this would be me, eternally.
  i was a drum, i was a mask
  i was culture, future past
  so much joy in being first to be last last last
  i made of myself a cast -- Nkisi to be exact :

http://zebola.herokuapp.com/

still, relio zealous, powerfull , if triggered to blast
  so much joy in being first to be last
  
  Last to be born
  first to wake
  last to know just what it takes
  first to witness these mistakes
  re-blogged, texted, video taped
  last to gain the weight so i can shake shake shake
  Bina na ngai across the manmade lake
    
  the care of it all insinuates
  that there will be pain, there will be sorrow, there will be
  sacrifice, there will be loss, there will be warmth,
  there will be highs, there will be quiet cultivation
    
  The core of it all states there will be nonsense
  there it will be
  there will be you
  there will be me
  And that’s all one needs...is it?

“Innate Black and African Sensibilities”

*images of zebola rehearsals w/ captions

*cited text from Duke University Zebola study

*QR codes to videos of zebola + insta pics/gifs from zebola practice

Black does not mean perfect
  And
  Africa does not mean first
  
  i wanted to be open out pouring, chaos
  packaged, articulate, cunning
  a showman, producer, director
  i wanted to be it all for you
  body, fire in movement
  flesh, sweating with purpose
    
  so, you could never dispose me
  forward, so you could never catch me
  feel me, see me, weak in the knees
  begging for love and acceptance “no one likes a “pick me bitch” ”
    
  i wanted to be dirt because it’s easy
  see me how you seen me
  i wanted to Harlem shake poorly while no one watched
  i wanted to be missed, revealed, copied, fetishized
    
  and titled B . l . a . c . k
    
  twisted my tongue into psalms
  serenading blades of grass telepathically
  the wind smelled like Afrika, i had never been
    
  Toi taught me to burn bay leaves [instead of exploiting sage]
  mama na ngai seeped her in stews, the leaves
  and the soups became full bodied
  like me
  i let myself go and became full bodied
  the stress had got me bodied
  but no one could tell the difference
  in my ass
  i had gained
  but not in my ass
  so it was like i hadn’t gained at all
    
  there are so many people that i want to agree with
  for a long time i wanted to be liked because i thot
  my career life depended on it
  i danced and took my top off and my tits swang
  online and off and lust filled my bank account temporarily
  then i was empty so i put on a different thong or
  top and i posed like instant oats, i satisfied bellies again
    
  then i was empty
  you can relate
    
  the wind seems to blow in one direction
  i watch the grass
  it blows from all
    
  our impact is the same
  it is black
  like a shadow, details erased but it is there
  in the dirt, the dirt feels my Shade
  we are in love and we are at war
  i dance and brush her off my
  shoulders
    
  Clean, i wanted the mud to cleanse me
  i brought home her medicine
  the earth as Caribbean
  and i never touched it again
  the journey through the sky across borders
  was enough to remind that the problem
  within was mine
  retold, reformed
  thru lifetimes
    
  i wanted to be hated, disgusted, alone
  so i could have an excuse to leave
  so i could have a reason to come back
    
  to be bettered, to be blackened, seasoned
  from experience
    
  and we would recognize each other
  on a #transformationtuesday
  a glowup
  redemption
  and in our own words we’d rejoice
  celebrate
  be validated
  and verified on Instagram
    
  we would know each other for real now
  there would be honor
  i would go live and watch you go live -- your lives
    
  but it be your very own
  it me
  it was me and i thot when i couldn’t think
  quiet whispers
  go off
  be free